


Only Pain Will Remain Anyways

by alexiahayez



Series: [Unsung Harmonies] A SoonHoon Oneshot Collection [7]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Break Up, Break Up Talk, Established Relationship, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-16 23:28:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29583762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexiahayez/pseuds/alexiahayez
Summary: It was one night before Jihoon moves out of Soonyoung's apartment and Soonyoung's life.
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi
Series: [Unsung Harmonies] A SoonHoon Oneshot Collection [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2147622
Comments: 10
Kudos: 26





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I am sorry I am sorry I am sorry this is the 3rd angst I've put out this week I am officially stripping myself of my self-given title of a Fluff Writer...
> 
> I didn’t think that it worked w Lie Again so much so if you can listen to Lie Again as you read this ❤️
> 
> Also it's 4000 words of pain so...

They broke up. After their sixth year together, Jihoon and Soonyoung broke up. It wasn’t a tearful break-up, it wasn’t an angry break-up, it wasn’t a break-up because they stopped loving each other, and it wasn’t even a messy break-up because they couldn’t stand seeing each other’s face anymore.

It was a break-up where one day Soonyoung and Jihoon both woke up and realized that they couldn’t carry on as boyfriends.

They didn’t mean anything bad, and no hard feeling was taken. It was just a break-up simply because the relationship didn’t feel right anymore.

So, since Soonyoung was the one on the lease for their apartment, Jihoon had to move out. Soonyoung helped Jihoon in the process of looking for a place for him to stay. He even helped Jihoon with shopping for new interiors for his apartment. Soonyoung still picked Jihoon up after work, because Jihoon couldn’t drive, and he worked late so all subways were closed after he finished. They discussed how they would interact at work, since Soonyoung was still a choreographer at Jihoon’s agency, and they talked it out all the boundaries they’d have to learn to respect from then on.

Their friends even called it a textbook/fiction break-up, because no harm was done to anyone. No one cried, no one was heart-broken, no one suffered.

Yet only Jihoon and Soonyoung knew how they could break up like that.

After a month of house-searching, interiors shopping, moving, and settling down, Jihoon would officially move out of Soonyoung’s apartment in the next morning. The only thing left Jihoon had to pick up before that was Rangi, the white toy poodle that Jihoon and Soonyoung had when they were still together. Soonyoung wanted to keep it, but he was the busier one, and his work required him to actually be at the studio, while Jihoon could work from home. So, it only made sense if Jihoon brought it along. Jihoon didn’t object, and he agreed that he would stay over at Soonyoung’s place that night so they could ease Rangi into the transition.

“I’ll pick you up in five.” – Soonyoung answered the call when he was walking to his car to pick Jihoon up after he finished work. It was the last day he could pick Jihoon up from work, because from tomorrow, Seungcheol, Jihoon’s cousin who also worked at the agency, would be driving him home. It was a lie when Soonyoung said he wasn’t going to miss the feeling of picking Jihoon up late at night, and the both of them would take a detour to one of their favorite night restaurants where Jihoon would definitely get a big Cola and tell Soonyoung about how his day went.

It was Soonyoung’s favorite part of his day. He could only sigh when the memory came back unexpectedly. What they had with each other was special, even their friends called them the fairytale couple.

“I’m already at the door.” – Jihoon said, and Soonyoung let out an understanding hum before he hung up.

Jihoon, habitually, wanted to open the door to the shotgun seat next to Soonyoung, but then he changed his mind and went to the back seat.

“You don’t have to be so distant, Jihoon.” – Soonyoung said, but he could feel his throat going dry.

“We have to maintain the boundaries, Soonyoung.” - Jihoon laughed softly, he wanted to lighten the mood, but he guessed it was better if he didn’t say anything else.

Because it was obvious that when the sun came out from its slumber, Jihoon would no longer have the right to sit next to Soonyoung.

“Hey, is it okay if I want to take a detour?” – Soonyoung asked when he started the car. He wanted to do this for a while now, but he wanted to do it the night he proposed to Jihoon, not the night before the day he’d lose Jihoon forever.

“Yea, sure.” – Jihoon didn’t want this night to be over that soon, either.

Unlike Soonyoung, Jihoon could’ve seen their parting came before they even talked. They were both busy, even busier after Jihoon took that job being the Head Producer of their agency. They barely saw each other anymore, and Jihoon could see that both of them were getting more and more tired of being the ones who tried to keep the relationship together. When the time isn’t right anymore, it’s best that they let each other go.

At least then they could still be friends.

Soonyoung took Jihoon to their University, where they first met. Even though Jihoon was surprised with what Soonyoung just did, he didn’t want to say anything. It was the last night he’d be in Soonyoung’s life, deep inside, he wanted to go wherever Soonyoung would take him, too.

“Do you remember how we met, Jihoon?” – Soonyoung sighed when he pulled over into the parking lot in front of the now-closed university.

“It was the night before the showcase competition in my second year. I came to the studio to see my opponents, to get a sense of what I was up against.” – Jihoon said, and Soonyoung smiled.

Yes, it was the night before the showcase competition in Jihoon’s second year. He was predicted to be the winning champion of the competition that year, but the prediction was changed a day before the showcase happened because a lot of people saw Soonyoung practiced in the studio and figured he had the higher chance of winning.

It made Jihoon nervous. So, against what his bestfriend, Jeonghan, warned, he went to see who was the one everyone was talking about. Who were the one threatening him and his crown?

Needless to say, it was Kwon Soonyoung, the university heartthrob and the genius who snatched the 100% scholarship for Performing Arts specialized in Dance that year. Jihoon snooped outside of the studio, crept through the gap on the door just to watch the man danced so passionately to the banging music. He was covered in sweat heat, and his face was dead serious.

But then he smiled at the mirror.

“You had braces” – Jihoon laughed loudly at the memory – “You had braces and you smiled at the mirror. You looked so dumb I couldn’t hold it in and busted out laughing like a maniac.”

“That was how I noticed you, though.” – Soonyoung joined Jihoon’s laughing fit.

“You thought I was a creep.” – Jihoon continued – “It was so embarrassing, god. I couldn’t look at you the next morning when we had to rehearse for the showcase.”

“Yeah, well you acted like a creep.” – Soonyoung said, and that was when the realization hit him.

They didn’t date until a year later, when Jeonghan and Wonwoo, Soonyoung’s bestfriend, were both tired of them hiding from each other and living the 20k-word-slow-burn-mutual-pining life. Their first date was in fact, a mess. Soonyoung forgot that he had a date with Jihoon after class, he forgot that he had a boyfriend, so he didn’t pick Jihoon up from his dorm. Jihoon, being the stubborn little brat, actually waited for Soonyoung until 11 PM at the door, avoiding the yelling and warning of the dorm security about how he stayed up past curfew already and he should leave so that the security could close the door. Jeonghan had to call Wonwoo to remind Soonyoung that he had a date with Jihoon, and boy was Soonyoung horrified. He didn’t even shower as he ran through three building blocks back to the dorm to get Jihoon.

“You smelt so bad.” – Second-year university student Jihoon said. – “You didn’t eat or rest at all, right?”

Soonyoung nodded as he panted, trying to catch his breath after running non-stop for almost twenty minutes. Jihoon sighed and he grabbed Soonyoung by his wrist, pulling him into the dorm. Jihoon pushed Soonyoung into his shower, ordered some take-out, and had dinner while watching anime on Jihoon’s old laptop, after that both falling asleep on Jihoon’s single bed and Soonyoung ended up with a horrible backpain the next day. It wasn’t how they both imagined their first date would be, but it was fun, nevertheless.

“And I never experienced anything more romantic than us watching anime out of your dying piece of machine while chewing on chicken from some random restaurant that was opened at 11 PM.” – Soonyoung commented as he sunk into his driver’s seat. It was a good memory. It showed how they were always the most unexpected pair, even when they first met, and even when they almost married each other.

“Well, it prepared me for when we move in together.” – Jihoon said – “You kick when you sleep. You’re so energetic you even danced in your sleep, Soonyoung.”

“I tried to fix it for you.” – Soonyoung retorted.

“You only tried to do so after I threatened to tie you up with a rope.” – Jihoon rolled his eyes.

“And I said I would cooperate if that is your kink.” – Soonyoung didn’t even get to speak another word as Jihoon moved to kick the back of his seat so bad he could feel Jihoon’s feet.

Jihoon wasn’t a clingy boyfriend, he wasn’t spoiled or needy or whiny or anything. In contrast, he was understanding. He was understanding because Soonyoung was a dancer, and it was a guarantee that he had to have different physical contacts with people on stage. There was this one time when everyone in their university was actually gossiping about them and how Jihoon and Soonyoung broke up because nobody could be so fine with their boyfriends being touchy-touchy with different people like that. Jihoon didn’t care much about the rumors, he had no obligation to explain his and Soonyoung’s relationship to anyone, but the rumors were getting out of hand.

Jihoon was getting disturbing calls from mean girls who were pissed at Jihoon for “making” Soonyoung gay, and they talked about how he was finally dumped, and he was just an experiment to Soonyoung. Jihoon didn’t want to bother Soonyoung with those stupid trivia but imagine how pissed off Soonyoung was when one day he picked up Jihoon’s phone when he was in the shower. He went mad.

“It was five years ago.” – Soonyoung sighed at the memory when Jihoon was just humming in the back seat. Jihoon never cared about what happened, but Soonyoung had always felt like it was his fault for putting Jihoon in such situation. – “People were cruel back then.”

“People still are now.” – Jihoon said and he smiled sadly to himself – “It’s just that we stopped caring about them.”

“I thought you were going to leave me after that.” – Soonyoung said and Jihoon shook his head, even though he wasn’t sure that Soonyoung could see it from the front seat.

“I wouldn’t” – Jihoon said firmly – “It was just stupid teenagers trying to make themselves feel better about their boring lives. I didn’t mind.”

“When you chose to stay with me even after what happened, I knew that I had found my forever.” – Soonyoung said, but his voice hinted somber tone.

“What an irony.” – Jihoon commented. Both of them sat in silence for a while before Jihoon spoke up – “I want to see if that chicken place still opens.”

That chicken place was actually one of the most popular couple restaurants around the area. It was on their first anniversary, Jihoon read only that if they had chicken there at a couple, they’d stay together forever. He knew it was corny, but he wanted to try. He was young, he believed in forever.

So, he booked a table there. The couple was set on being at the restaurant at 7 PM after both of their classes, but none of them could make it. Jihoon got held back by his teacher assistant about how they wanted to use his song for the studio showcase for excellent students, and Soonyoung hit a creative block so he was too focused on getting out of it and forgot about time. They laughed at each other when both of them met at the gate of the university at roughly 12 AM when they just got out of whatever they were doing and were planning to call each other to apologize. It still amused Jihoon how they both got busy but still managed to accidentally run into each other just as they were leaving, and Soonyoung felt like they were the perfect match for each other.

What even funnier was that they still decided to go to the restaurant. Luckily, the owner was only cleaning up and wasn’t closing the place yet. They came and talked about how they were too busy to come on time, and the owner actually laughed out loud at their stories, even offered them a special meal that they didn’t have to pay. That was how they spent their first anniversary. They were both busy, but they made time for each other.

Lately, they stopped making such efforts.

“Hi!” – Just like that night, the owner was just only cleaning the tables before closing. It took a moment, but it was the owner who realized them first. He offered them a seat, and he personally went to the back to pick out the chickens from the stock he was saving for the next morning.

“The owner was still as generous as he was.” – Soonyoung commented as he took two pairs of chopsticks from the utensil box and cleaned it with paper before he offered Jihoon a pair.

Jihoon looked at what Soonyoung did. It had always been Soonyoung’s habit to prepare everything for Jihoon so he just had to enjoy playing on his phone or talking about his day for Soonyoung to listen to. It was a small gesture, but it showed how much Soonyoung cared about Jihoon.

A simple but painful gesture.

“So, how are you guys now?” – The owner returned with two plates full of newly fried chicken, and a big Cola.

“We’re good.” – Soonyoung spoke up because he knew how Jihoon disliked small talks. – “We’re actually working in the same agency, and he just became Head Producer.”

“I don’t know what that is, but he sounds successful.” – The owner commented, and they laughed. It was before the owner asked – “So you guys are married yet?”

Jihoon was about to shake his head when Soonyoung managed to say a soft yes. The owner laughed in satisfaction before he moved to the back to clean up other things. Jihoon wanted to ask why Soonyoung didn’t say no to that question, but he didn’t want to ruin the atmosphere.

“If we said no, he’d never leave, and we couldn’t start eating.” – Soonyoung, like always, managed to read the expression off Jihoon’s face. He chewed on his chicken leg as he answered, and Jihoon could only nod softly to say that he understood.

They had a very quiet meal, a complete contrast of what their first anniversary was like, when both of them could not stop talking about their days and how funny it was for them to meet each other like that.

“You decide where we’re going next.” – Soonyoung said as he and Jihoon were walking back to Soonyoung’s car. Jihoon showed a hint of confusion, and Soonyoung caught it – “Listen” – He said – “As much as I know you want to go home, I also know that just like me, you don’t want this night to end like this. So, you decide where we’re going next.”

Jihoon nodded, and he typed an address into Soonyoung GPS before he settled next to Soonyoung, into the shotgun seat he always slept on whenever they went on a road trip.

“It is easier to talk this way.” – Jihoon gave an excuse, but Soonyoung knew it wasn’t that shallow.

Soonyoung drove for forty-five minutes before he opened his eyes wide with surprise at Jihoon’s choice of destination. It was their first apartment. It was the apartment they moved in when they were in their last year of university and had managed to save up for a small amount of money to live on their own, away from the savages that were in the male dormitory of the school.

It was way smaller than where they were living then. It was in a small, downgraded building without an elevator. They lived on the eighth floor.

But they didn’t mind it back then.

They didn’t mind that it was a studio with only one bathroom, a space for the fridge and enough space to fit a double bed. They didn’t mind that they had to cook on a mini portable stove, and they didn’t mind that they had to eat packaged rice instead of having a rice cooker because it would overload the entire building’s electricity. They didn’t mind because they believed that they could do anything, as long as they came home to each other.

Soonyoung was taking extra courses on stage directing online, and Jihoon struggled to find a proper job that could match his producing skills. They both were struggling, and they sometimes had to sleep until noon just so that they could save some breakfast money.

“Jihoon and Soonyoung of four years ago would be so astonished of how far they’ve gone since this broken-down hut.” – Soonyoung commented.

“It wasn’t broken.” – Jihoon mumbled. – “It wasn’t broken because there we actually built a life together.” – He sighed before he continued – “We weren’t pulling on thin lines, we weren’t patching up the fallen pieces, we actually built a home.”

Soonyoung could only stay quiet at what Jihoon said. He wasn’t wrong. The more they became successful, the less they put effort into their relationship. They used to look forward to seeing each other at the end of their days, but when they moved into the new, more spacious apartment in the more prestigious area of the city, the only thing they looked forward to at home was their bed. They were always dead tired, and they were always bored.

Soonyoung and Jihoon used to have to travel hours just to get to the city center, where both of their jobs were located. They had to take the train, and it was always crowded in the morning. Jihoon was scared of taking the train, mainly because he was almost robbed once, so Soonyoung always held Jihoon’s hand tightly whenever they took the train together. He let Jihoon leaned into his chest, and he used his other free hand to hold Jihoon close to him. Soonyoung became Jihoon’s security.

Jihoon wanted to go around the world, bringing his songs to the people who loved to listen to them. Soonyoung wanted to support Jihoon with his every soul. Jihoon’s first concert only had fifty people, but Soonyoung was there in the audience to support him. Jihoon got the Commendation Award from the Prime Minister last January, but Soonyoung was on tour. Jihoon drove to the event alone and went home alone.

It felt empty calling their apartment "a home", because no one was waiting for him to return.

“I’m…” – Soonyoung wanted to say anything, but a woman approached them. It was their old landlord.

“Soonyoung-ah, Jihoon-ah!” – The woman called out; she was holding a bag filled with alcohol in her hand.

“Mrs. Lim” – Soonyoung recognized her first, as he always did. – “Why are you out so late?”

“Ah, party at my place.” – Mrs. Lim said – “My grandson just got married and we’re celebrating. He’s moving into your room, I think.”

“Oh.” – Soonyoung said, but he noticed how Jihoon was turning away, and his shoulders were shaking slightly. He was crying. – “Wish him the best for me, Mrs. Lim.”

“Oh, Jihoonie.” – Mrs. Lim called out, and Jihoon quickly cleared the tears off his face and turned around with a smile – “Jihoonie is here, too. How are you two doing now?”

“We’re good.” – Soonyoung nodded, he knew Jihoon wasn’t in the mood to talk – “We managed to move into a place in the new complex near Gangnam.”

“Must be better than this worn-down building.” – Mrs. Lim nodded as she commented – “I’m glad to see that you guys are still together. I’ve never seen a couple more in love, even if you guys are both boys…” – Mrs. Lim stopped before she said again – “Sorry, it’s offensive to say it like that these days. However, you guys are the most in-love couple I’ve ever met. Even more than me and Mr. Lim. It was like there was nothing you couldn’t do when you’re together.” – She stopped when she heard a faint voice calling her name – “I have to go now, the boys are waiting. I hope you guys are happy. Glad to see you again.”

“Glad to see you again, too, Mrs. Lim.” – Soonyoung said happily, and Jihoon was already walking to their car.

“What went wrong with us, Soonyoung?” – Jihoon said as he was buckling his seatbelt. – “Why are we like this?”

Soonyoung couldn’t answer. He had no excuse, no reason, no comforting words, nothing. He silently started the car as Jihoon couldn’t stop a stray tear rolling of his cheek. It glistened under the silver light of the moon, and it looked like a precious pearl on the white sand of the Bahamas, where they went to have their last vacation together.

It was two years ago. It hit Soonyoung that it was two years ago, and they hadn’t gone on a vacation with each other for two years straight. Not after they both got a job at their current agency.

“Is it okay if I pick the last destination?” – Was all Soonyoung could ask. Jihoon nodded sadly, and he glanced at the clock on the car. It was roughly 3 AM already.

It was a long drive, and Jihoon fell asleep on the way. Soonyoung glanced at Jihoon who was sleeping so soundly, and a sudden bitterness rose inside of him. Where he was taking them was where he wanted to propose to Jihoon. He planned to take Jihoon on a road trip and they would watch the sunrise together, where he would kneel down and pull out the ring, asking if Jihoon wanted to be together with him for the rest of their lives.

But that night, he was letting Jihoon go.

He planned to propose to Jihoon on the night Jihoon got promoted to Head Producer, but Jihoon couldn’t come back home because he was caught in a series of meetings and briefing sessions. It was a lie if Soonyoung said he didn’t let it get to his head. He was angry at Jihoon for the following week, but Jihoon didn’t even know that he was angry because he was so busy with the new position and the transition. It was unfair for Jihoon because Jihoon didn’t even know Soonyoung was planning to propose, but Soonyoung couldn’t help but felt like he was losing Jihoon to something he couldn’t make sense of.

“Wake up, Hoonie.” – Soonyoung shook Jihoon’s shoulder as he pulled into the parking lot of a famous sunrise-watching destination in the city. From there, they could see the sunrise and how its light hovered the waking city. How it’d cast a soft orange light on everything, every building, and every street, and how it woke people up from their rest to ready for a new day full of chances and hopes.

Yet that day, the light it carried brought the end of their relationship to Soonyoung and Jihoon.

“In less than forty-minute, the sun will rise, and you’ll leave me.” – Soonyoung said, and Jihoon clearly showed a painful expression. He was holding back his tears, and Soonyoung knew it, because he was trying his best not to cry, too – “I planned to propose to you here, on the night you got that promotion you worked so hard for.”

Jihoon didn’t answer.

“I know I hurt you so much, and I know that the both of us agreed that it would be a peaceful breakup, we could still go back to being friends.” – Soonyoung continued talking, ignoring the silence from the other – “But after tonight, after seeing you under the moon, seeing you unchanged after everything that happened. I don’t know if I could be friends with you anymore, Jihoon. It’d be too painful for me to hold myself back from running to you, to hold you in my embrace, to press a kiss on your forehead. It’d be too painful for me to stop loving you.”

“Don’t say it like that.” – Jihoon broke his own silence as he said softly, but Soonyoung could see by Jihoon’s tone, he was in pain, too – “Don’t say it like we still have a chance like this.”

“Do we?” – Soonyoung laughed bitterly – “Do we still have a chance?”

“We could.” – Jihoon said after a long while of complete silence with nothing but Soonyoung holding back his sobs – “But do we want to continue like this? Like going home without us. Like a love that was left with just endless trying and no result?”

Soonyoung didn’t say anything, and they both sat in Soonyoung’s car until the sunlight came up from the far. As it enveloped the two figures holding back their pains in the lonely car, the orange sunlight lit up Jihoon’s tears. It was no hopeful day, it was no chance, all it was was a tearful parting.

_Woo, please turn and go back  
To where you originally were  
To where I’m not present_

_So please don’t love me  
Only pain will remain anyways_

Jihoon wrote it in one of his songs,[ Lie Again](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VCexOngHnA4&ab_channel=seventeenlyrics), and Soonyoung had never been more related to the song than when it was playing on the radio when he was driving the both of them back to his apartment.

Jihoon picked Rangi up, as well as the bag filled with the dog’s stuff that Soonyoung prepared before Jihoon came. Jihoon nodded as he said his goodbye, and even though Soonyoung wanted to stop him right there and ask if it was possible for them to start again, to start over as Soonyoung and Jihoon of six years ago, he knew deep inside that it was too late to have what they used to have anymore.

Soonyoung lost the right to call Jihoon’s name when Jihoon’s in pain. Jihoon lost the right to call Soonyoung his home.

They both lost the right to be in each other’s lives.

They both lost each other.

“Goodbye, Soonyoung. I hope you have a good life.” – Jihoon said as he closed the door behind him, didn’t even give Soonyoung a chance to say his goodbye.

It was not a peaceful break-up; it was a tearful break-up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> About the ending, if you feel like this is enough, then you can skip the next chapter! But if you’re looking for a better ending for both of them, I hope I can give you one in the next chapter 🥰


	2. Giving Us A Better Ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I could never.” - Soonyoung said - “Not even if we hurt each other. That pain was worth it, it reminds me everyday that I let the one most precious person in life go.”
> 
> “Do we still love each other?” - Jihoon suddenly asked. 
> 
> “Do we?” - Soonyoung murmured under his breath. - “We do. But is it enough for you and me to go back to being us again?”
> 
> “I don’t know.” - Jihoon said sadly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not my best work. But I wanted to do this for some reason, so it just felt right. Still scared that this may ruin the previous one, but I do feel like I need to give them closure cuz I’ve been thinking about that one comment who said they’re gonna go back to each other :( Sorry if you feel like the prev chapter is already enough for you, you can skip this, but if you are looking for a brighter ending, then I hope I’ll give you it.

“Hi” - This was the first time they saw each other since that day Jihoon closed the door on Soonyoung. Jihoon, now older, more mature, and way more self-composed, could feel himself looking at the person in front of him with the same old endearing eyes. - “It’s been a while.”

“It has been a while.” - Soonyoung nodded, his eyes looked more tired, his skin looked tanner, but he still managed to crack a smile as warm as it used to be when they were together. - “How’s life?”

“Tough.” - Jihoon didn’t lie. The five years without Soonyoung were tough. 

The first year he lived like he was coming out from a long addiction. He missed everything about Soonyoung, his smell, his warmth, his voice, his laughter, the way his eyes lit up when he talked about his hobbies, and the childish giggles when he finished kissing Jihoon. He would wait hours in front of his company’s door after he finished work to hope for a chance that Soonyoung would come to pick him up, even when Seungcheol convinced him that they broke up. He would cry whenever night fell when he spent his nights alone in his new, empty apartment, and Rangi would come and nuzzle into his lap, reminding him of how Soonyoung once comforted him. 

The second year, he barely moved on. He tried falling into the arms of another, only to hurt that person and deepened the wound in his heart. He tried a new hobby, only to think about how Soonyoung would be so proud everytime he accomplished something. He tried to find a replacement for Soonyoung, only to realize nothing could ever fill the void that the other one left in his life. 

The third year, he distanced himself from everything that they both had. He moved far away from the apartment they once shared, he got a job in another city, he got rid of all the stuff Soonyoung left him. He learned to accept a life without Soonyoung. He thought he moved on, he believed he moved on. Yet, all the songs he wrote were all about him.

The fourth year, he got a horrible fever, which he thought he could never recover from. Soonyoung came to him in his dream, comforted him, said sweet words of love to him, and he woke up the next day from that dream, feeling empty and lost, and he had to learn to accept once more that Soonyoung could never be with him again. In the end, all left was the memories. 

But now, in front of him, the man he had tried so hard to forget, to move on from, standing in front of him like how he used to be. Unchanged, unbothered, still his. 

“How about you?” - Jihoon finally managed to ask Soonyoung. 

“Not better than you.” - He laughed bitterly. 

The first year, Soonyoung went out every night with his friends. He didn’t want to go back to the apartment that they once shared. He’d spend nights with different people in his bed, but walked away the very next morning. He couldn’t accept the fact his scent would linger around somebody who wasn’t Jihoon. He would let the alcohol wash away his pain temporarily, but then he would come back to a reality where Jihoon was no longer his. He didn’t cry, not even once in the first year they were apart. He didn’t know what he should cry for. Should he cry for himself? For Jihoon? For what they had? Or what they hadn’t had the chance to have?

The second year, he bought the worn-down building that they once shared. He made it a home for young couples who were struggling. He wanted to help them cherish the loves they had so that they wouldn’t have the same ending as he did. He quitted being a choreographer because he couldn’t listen to any love song without thinking about Jihoon anymore. He moved back to his parents’ house and lived there for three months before he found a normal desk job at a small start-up in the city once again. 

The third year, he found a lover. A lover who loved him. A lover whom he could never love the way he loved Jihoon. They almost got married, but the other person knew that his love would never mean to be for them. They were hurt, but they understood. So they left, once again, leaving Soonyoung alone in this world. 

The fourth year, he looked for Jihoon. He went back to all the places they went to together. He looked for Jihoon; or it could be the memories that they had. He cried for the first time in the four years they were apart. He cried everything out, he cried until he could feel himself getting tired. It was a tearful break-up. 

But now, in front of him, the man he had been looking for. None of the pain ever existed, only good memories came back to him. He would trade the world to bring back the smile he once adored. 

“We all had it hard, huh?” - Jihoon giggled to hide the pain in his voice, but Soonyoung could still catch it. 

“We did.” - Soonyoung sighed. Both of them fell back into silence. But it wasn’t uncomfortable. It was both of them letting each other’s existence sink into them, to learn to look at each other’s face again. 

“You stopped choreographing?” - Jihoon managed to break the silence. Soonyoung nodded, and Jihoon hummed in understanding.

Once again, both of them fell into silence. 

“You moved?” - Soonyoung asked, and Jihoon nodded softly back at him. 

“But I’m moving back. The company needs me.” - Jihoon said. 

“That’s great.” - Soonyoung commented plainly.

And silence enveloped them again. 

“What happened to us, Soonyoung?” - Jihoon asked again, the same question Soonyoung failed to answer five years ago. 

“Honestly, we happened to us.” - Soonyoung sighed before he answered. - “We were no longer us. We became Jihoon the producer and Soonyoung the choreographer. There were more Soonyoung and Jihoon in our relationship than us. Before we knew it, we let ourselves become you and I; if you know what I mean.” - Jihoon nodded in understanding as he sipped a little bit of coffee from his cup, trying to calm himself from breaking down. Soonyoung reached out to comfort Jihoon with a pat on his fluffy head. - “We never stopped loving each other, but we forgot to build a life for the both of us to move forward in.”

“If you were to let me choose the last destination, I would choose the apartment we shared before we broke up.” - Jihoon took a while, but he finally spoke - “There were signs of us everywhere in that place. There were our shared bed, our toothbrushes, our scents. There were memories that remained. That place was the evidence of all our hard work, our determination, and our struggles, but we got there together. That place was our story.”

“You know we can still go back.” - Soonyoung said, but he immediately regretted it. They could never have what they had, they couldn’t get the five years apart back. They couldn’t get each other back.

“We can.” - Jihoon nodded in agreement, but he didn’t let Soonyoung’s smile form before he continued - “But I won’t.” - Jihoon smiled at Soonyoung - “If we can do it again, I want us to try a different dream. We can’t continue the dreams that Soonyoung and Jihoon of five years ago had, we are different people now.”

Soonyoung didn’t answer. He didn’t show any expression. Jihoon smiled bitterly to himself, he could no longer read what Soonyoung was thinking. They once again let the silence cast over them. 

“Did you regret what we had?” - Jihoon, once again after a long while, looked at Soonyoung. 

“No.” - Soonyoung said - “Never for one second.”

“I did.” - Jihoon admitted, and he could see that Soonyoung was hurt. He continued - “I regretted not loving you more, caring about you more. I regretted I let myself allow you to disappear from my life so easily. I regretted I didn’t fight for us. Everyday, for five years.”

“I could never.” - Soonyoung said - “Not even if we hurt each other. That pain was worth it, it reminds me everyday that I let the one most precious person in life go.”

“Do we still love each other?” - Jihoon suddenly asked. 

“Do we?” - Soonyoung murmured under his breath. - “We do. But is it enough for you and me to go back to being us again?”

“I don’t know.” - Jihoon said sadly. 

Soonyoung was right. None of them knew at that moment that whether the feeling they both felt for each other was still love, or it was regret and pain. They could go back to each other, but would it be strong enough for them to make it more. They couldn’t go back to what they had and never move on from it, they had to see a chance where they could both believe that they wouldn’t make the same mistake. None of them could take the pain once more time. 

They were standing on the edge of breaking already. 

“But I want to know.” - Soonyoung said, and Jihoon turned to look at him with his eyes opened wide. He wanted to believe what Soonyoung said was the truth, but he couldn’t let his hope go too high. The higher his hope, the more painful the fall would be. - “I’m serious.” - Soonyoung could see the expression on Jihoon’s face. - “I will always want to know if we could be more than what we left off.”

Jihoon went quiet. He didn’t say anything. He let himself sink into the words that Soonyoung said. He wanted to let himself believe what Soonyoung said. 

But he was scared. 

It was painful losing Soonyoung once, but he couldn’t live losing Soonyoung again. 

That was how much he still loved Soonyoung. Enough to be afraid of losing him. 

Soonyoung knew, so he reached out his hand to take Jihoon’s hand. Soonyoung always did this when Jihoon was scared. Soonyoung always gave Jihoon protection. Like that time on the subway, like that time he went for the interview at his company. Like always. 

That was how much Soonyoung still loved Jihoon. Enough to trust in a future for the both of them. 

That was how much they loved each other. Enough to learn to love each other all over again. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a bit anxious posting this, mostly because the last time I posted something, all hell broke loose :) No kidding, like immediately after I posted last week, things went down.
> 
> That was also why I closed my writing account, because I was being emo & angry & I didn't want people to associate my writing with what I posted, I want my stories to give people a break they need :D Also, don't worry about me I'm better now, just putting it out there haha :D 
> 
> But if you need, you can contact me through my CuriousCat https://curiouscat.qa/alxhayz Give me some love <3
> 
> Thank you for reading I'll see you soon <3

**Author's Note:**

> Idk if I should put this series into one big book so that it'd be easier to navigate, but I'll think about it.
> 
> Like usual, comment if you see anything weird and unusual, or just scream or cry at me in the comment box. But this time my friend told me to make a curiouscat: https://curiouscat.qa/alxhayz so you can yell at me in anonymous too :) 
> 
> I started writing cuz I want to contribute to the tag but lately I've been posting too much idk if people're bored of me yet ;-; but I love y'all anyways :> See you next time <3


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